


The Log of CC Shepard

by anti_ela



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Mass Effect 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-28 13:26:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19813228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anti_ela/pseuds/anti_ela
Summary: The last entries of Commander Shepard's log.





	The Log of CC Shepard

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this six years ago, so I don't remember if this encompasses just ME2 or if it's also ME3?? I just know I spent most of ME2 waiting for Kaidan to show up. You've listened to Raphael Sbarge read Kaidan's letter, right? If not: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9DxZn_TAeM

We're almost ready. We still need more training, more team members. Hell, I wouldn't say no to fifty more guns. But realistically, more upgrades would be nice, too.

Unrealistically, having Alliance backing with Council support would be nicer than hell.

Glad they didn't die, though, useless as they are. Didn't help me any, but I imagine humanity's looked at a little kinder now. Might make things easier, more stable out there. Who knows? Doesn't seem like Anderson's having an easy time of it. Maybe that's just because it's Anderson.

Why am I talking about the Citadel?

\-----

Illusive Man sent me to pick up a package on Omega. Lots of planning went into that. Couldn't take Samara; just killed her daughter there. Or Jack. She just... doesn't need to smell that, right now, if that makes sense. Ended up choosing Miranda and Mordin, and we were all geared up for a proper mission, and then—

It was barely out of the fucking airlock.

I don't know if that's better or worse. Glad to have Omega behind (above? below? unsure of spatial relationship to current position) us, though.

Unsure about working with a merc, but he can fire a gun, so I'll take it.

\-----

"Once upon a time, this was a wonder of the universe."

That's what keeps going through my head. That, and _I put off this mission too long_ ; or _I shouldn't have come at all_.

Dog tags.

You know, it would be dog tags.

I chased the universe collecting the dog tags for heroes and legends, and here I am picking them out of the snow for my crew. The names keep coming, and I barely remember them. I think I had tea with Lowe once. The rest of them, I couldn't even conjure positions for, much less faces. Pressly was my XO, and all I could remember was disliking his anti-alien stance. And of course, I find his datapad, and even that wasn't true in the end.

What kind of commander sends her crew to die without knowing what they were dying for?

Hell, Lowe could've had kids back home, but I bet I never fucking asked.

And the Alliance wanted to honor me with this.

A memorial.

Do you think your body remembers dying?

And how much of me is me, anyway? Would I know? Would I be able to tell?

I've heard that your mind deletes forty minutes of every day, when it's processing and hasn't caught up to the stimuli.

How many minutes do I lose when my brain is processing that I'm still alive?

If I still had my own dog tags, I'd bury them here in the snow.

\-----

Yes, Shepard, let's read that again. Good use of everyone's time. Glad to see you're improving.

Oh, but no, don't write back.

Just fucking memorize the title. And that he's seeing a doctor.

Because that's _healthy_.

\-----

Note to self: Tell Illusive Man to forget your birthday if this is the kind of present he gives.

Merc could've killed bystanders in his tantrum. He says he'll follow my lead, but it's important to remember who he is when he's calling the shots. Or thinks he is.

\-----

Liara.

Glad I didn't end up a scion for the Collectors, glad Cerberus didn't follow Miranda's advice and override my personality, glad it took two years and I got to experience some downtime between saving the universe.

Not glad it was Liara who didn't bury me when she had the chance.

I always assumed it was Cerberus...

Still. Told her it was okay.

Think she needed to hear that.

Damn it.

\-----

Haven't made many logs.

Guess it doesn't matter.

Who the hell's gonna go through the Omega-4 and recover it all, anyway?

It's time.

Kinda wish I'd sent that message now...

Can if I get back. If I don't, lack of contact will help him recover.

For the second time.

Well.

See you on the other side.

\-----

This log by its existence makes the last one seem melodramatic.

We only recovered about half of the crew, but none of my team died. It feels... wrong that I had to choose. This entire voyage has been filled with such choices, though, so that I did not hesitate to wait until we were at full strength. It was only as I watched Yeoman Chambers disintegrate that the weight of my choice bore down on me.

Kelly... Need some way to honor them. No more memorials. Something more personal.

Illusive Man wanted to keep the Reaper tech. As if a race capable of building sapient starships wouldn't also be able to build a sapient station; or at least, a station with intelligent subroutines.

I turned that fucker into scrap.

Unsure of how this will affect the crew. Or if Cerberus will withdraw support. Don't think they will, me being such a paragon of humanity and all. Or maybe that's the problem.

Still.

The Reapers are coming. We'll be ready.

\-----

You'd think that being a career soldier would get you used to hospitals, but no. Almost makes me want to deal with the Council first, but I need my head to be clear when I make my case.

God. All the things I've seen, and this is what gives me pause.

Shepard, you need to get your priorities straight.

\-----

Yeah, Major Alenko. I wanna talk to you about being a Spectre, too.

That's the topic.

Primarch secured, which of course set the asari and salarians toppling. You'd think that a universal extinction event would supercede politics, but you'd be wrong. Once we've got the krogans and the Reapers have softened them up a little, I doubt they'll be as sensitive.

Kind of seems like I'm being herded to the Citadel, but who am I kidding? All it really took was that one message.

Shepard... there's a war on. Might wanna remember that.

\-----

Fuck it. I'm taking EDI and her shiny, scary new body to see Alenko.

Wanna talk about being a fucking Spectre. Of all the fucking things.

Hope you like gynoids, Kaidan.

\-----

What is it about shirtless, bruised, sleepy men that completely defuses my temper? He's still an ass. But I'm glad he's on the mend.

Seeing Aria here is hilarious. She's like a cat that's having its fur rubbed the wrong way. Wish I could smuggle a vidcam in somehow, but I get the feeling that would end badly. God... Best part of this trip, hands down.

Worst part: working with her and her slimy mercs. But, hell, they shoot guns for money. And if the universe dies, we never even really have to pay them, do we?

The refugee camp... You kinda forget about things like that when you're on the front lines. Logistics for feeding and sheltering people isn't something I ever learned. Or needed. Most of my strategy's about who to shoot and when. Glad that's not my responsibility, but I wish I could do more. And if the Citadel gets hit...

One day at a time.

Speaking of, wonder how many one-days it's gonna take before the Council remembers Earth needs saving? You ever get the feeling you know how it all ends? A part of me keeps whispering that, by the time we gather our forces, Earth'll be gone.

Guess that's what we have colonies for.

\-----

Ugh. I feel like I got some Omega got on me. Still, least that asari merc's gonna be in jail for a long, long time. "Aria's indentured servant." One of these days, people are gonna stop poking me to see what I do. Can't wait.

Glad the Citadel's taken care of, though. Now, let's go give some Reapers hell.

\-----

"Third-generation plants"?

Please don't be the Thorian.

Please don't be the motherfucking Thorian fucking  _ again _ .

\-----

Grunt, you are officially my favorite. If I die, you get all my guns and things that go boom. And I'll try and find you some varren noodle recipes.

"I stopped for noodles..."

\-----

There's a special hell reserved for people who pretend everything's fine when they know it fucking isn't.

Alenko... Don't you dare wait for me. You turn me into another Rahna, and I'll kick your ass.

Garrus, Liara, Tali, Wrex—I couldn't have asked for surer friends. I know you've all had my back from day one. Or, well, day two, in some cases.

Joker, EDI, if you two don't figure this out, there's no hope for anyone.

Jacob, Miranda, James, everyone... You're all the reasons I'm standing here, being morose, writing goodbyes. I have so enjoyed our time together, as fight-y and death-prone as it's been. I have loved watching you all turn from strangers into comrades, and from comrades into friends.

I don't know where this fight will leave all of you. I don't even know if we're coming back, if we can win this. But I know that there is not one rock we have not left unturned, and I know that the people I stand with are some of the strongest, most honorable, and most capable in this cycle, or any other.

And I sure as hell know we're gonna kick some ass.

God, you'd think a party would make me happy.

But looking at this photo... Well.

It sounds stupid, but it's been an honor and a privilege to serve with each and every one of you. I couldn't have asked for anything more from any of you.

Good hunting.

\-----

Just took the last tour of the ship. Even flushed the toilet, because why the fuck not? You ever get that feeling that you won't be coming back? And looking around at my quarters, there's not much of me here. Mostly model ships and fish that are only alive because an extremely expensive AI. Some medals, assorted datapads... Whatever happened to that picture of Alenko, anyway? Glad he never saw it (he would never let me live it down), but it was a nice shot. It'd be nice to download to my omnitool.

You know, to prove I had a soul. That I wasn't just some VI that thinks it's Shepard, or an amalgam of genes spliced together to resemble her... I guess it doesn't really matter.

I wonder whatever happened to my "genuine space hamster."

But I've already died once. And, hey, it wasn't so bad, right?

At least the nightmares will end, now. One way or the other.


End file.
